Journal

The Emotions of An Approaching Birthday

Bubba is turning one next month.  Bunny’s first birthday filled me with so many emotions.  The anticipation of Bubba’s birthday is proving to provide the same roller coaster ride of thoughts.  I’ve written, rewritten, and edited this post a dozen times and I’m still not sure it makes sense.  It’s hard to really get the thoughts down on “paper” because they don’t make sense in my head, either.  But, I’ll try my best.

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but when Bunny was born (and even before) we always said she’d be our only child.

We bought our car expecting it to fit one carseat.

We bought a smaller two-bedroom townhome expecting to only need one extra bedroom.

We made plans for our little family of three.  We thought we were complete.

And then it happened.  I got pregnant.  It was a surprise, but we were instantly excited.

A few weeks later, I lost the baby.  I was shattered.  Something we hadn’t originally planned on, hadn’t wished for, immediately took a hold of my heart and changed me forever.  I wanted that baby so very badly.  I cried for weeks straight.  He/she would have just turned one when Bunny turned three.

I saw it as a sign that someone/something up there wanted us to have a larger family.  Because of this, we tried again right away.  Nine months later, our precious Bubba was born.

I’d be lying if I said there weren’t a lot of conversations in those nine about changing those dreams and plans we had for ourselves.  What if we lost Bubba, too? Would we then take that as a sign we were only meant to have one child?  How would we all fit in this house?  Would we be able to afford two kids?  I also felt guilty because I often felt I was trying to replace the baby we lost.  I knew it wasn’t true, but when you’re pregnant and emotional, your mind goes all sorts of places you never thought it would.

One thing I didn’t need to worry about once Bubba was born was my capacity to love two children equally.  Although, I did question that during the pregnancy.  I was told I was silly for worrying about how I would love Bubba as much as I love Bunny.  But, you really can’t understand the cliche “love doesn’t divide, it multiplies” until you live it.

I love both of my children with every ounce of my soul.  Sometimes it feels like I will physically explode from the love bubbling up inside of me.  I am so very happy to have two happy, healthy, beautiful children.  I also still love the baby we lost and always will.

When I catch them in moments like these, the love floodgates open and I can’t ever imagine not being a mom of two children.  All of the doubt, all of the worry about being parents to two goes out the window.

I see the two of them playing together like this and I picture them a few years from now, building forts or chasing each other down at the beach.  I hope they become the best of friends as they grow older.  Of course, I’m prepared for the fighting and bickering.  But, I hope they grow up to realize how important they are to each other.  That they’ll be there for each other through thick and thin.

If they can do that, I know I’ve done my job as their mother.  I’ll know TH and I have shown them how to love and how to share that love.  Nothing could be better than that.

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